Sexual Harassment — Silicon Valley Code of Silence
Sexual harassment has been and is rampant as we all know now with the hundreds of stories being recounted in the news media about personalities in Hollywood, sports, politics, education and media. We have heard the stories about the harasser and person being harassed. They have been heterosexual and homosexual. But, wait — there is more!
I was a senior manager at a tech firm and one day at an off-site team building event, a female supervisor told me she felt harassed by a manager in another department. He hadn’t done anything overt, but, had undressed in front of her down to his underwear while getting ready for a softball game out at the car. It made her very uncomfortable. While some would say no big deal, others would say that was weird and out of bounds.
Our company had already gone through a sexual harassment case and all managers had been trained on how these issues were to be reported to HR. I asked the supe if she wanted me to report it or if she was just letting off steam. She was very clear that the incident had really creeped her out and she wanted something done. I explained to her that HR would get involved, there would be an investigation, and there was no way to know what would happen, or for her or me to control the outcome. Was it important enough to her to deal with those consequences? She said it was. So, now I was duty bound as a manager to take action. Or, was I?
So, the next day I sat down with the HR manager and let him know the story I had heard. I felt terrible about doing it because the manager in question was a friend of mine and we had worked together as peers for years. HR was supposed to keep things confidential and there really didn’t seem like much going on except some minor bad judgement so I wasn’t too worried. The HR manager thanked me and said not to worry and all would be fine.
About month went by and I didn’t hear anything until one day the manager came in my office and closed the door. He then berated me for not letting him know about the accusation against him and being a snitch. I was accused of being untrustworthy and not any friend of his. When I reminded him of the protocols we had all been trained to follow, he looked at me like I was from Mars. I don’t remember the exact words but the gist of his diatribe was that friends don’t follow stupid rules and do that to each other. I was stunned and felt like shit even though when thinking it through, it seemed I did the right thing.
Then the male code of silence conspiracy started. A technician in another department made a snide comment to me about how could I do that manager so dirty. So, obviously my former friend was now telling people about what happened. My response to the tech was to basically take the fifth and plead confidentiality. I really felt sick to my stomach and had no one to talk to. I didn’t trust HR anymore because they had probably told the manager who informed on him. Rumor had it my boss at the time was dealing with some kind of sexual harassment litigation against the company for allowing a hostile environment so that was not an avenue. The complainant and HR never said anything to me and no one got fired or demoted and nothing outwardly changed in anyway. In the end, I never knew what happened.
So, I never said anymore, ignored a couple other taunts, and eventually personnel changed at the company and those involved all left for other jobs. Even to this day though, I don’t feel proud about what I did. At best, it seems following the rules was just an OK thing to do. At worst, I backstabbed a buddy for no reason.
The male code of silence has been written about extensively and has been behind all kinds of police brutality cases, war crimes, and criminal acts. It is alive and well to this day and is a large part of how these kinds of actions can go on for years and decades. Until that changes, we will not see the fundamental societal change many people want to see. I got to feel that pressure in a very minor way compared to what many have experienced. And, compared to victims of harassment, my story is nothing.
But, I felt it important to write about this because it shows the cultural and systemic issues facing us. These are core level beliefs children are taught. Those lessons about teamwork and what it means to be a friend are taken to the wrong level and leave many victims in their path. We have seen the results of taking this to an extreme level result in coverups of war atrocities, political misdeeds, and police brutality just to name a few. Those involved feel pressure to keep a code of silence without anyone saying a thing. And, those who were responsible expect you to be quiet.
Organizations still have a long way to go in figuring out how to handle these cases. Maintaining confidentiality and making sure they don’t overreact to minor issues is critical. Getting rid of the bad eggs without the victims and those who helped the victim not being shamed or vilified is going to be so hard. I don’t know the answers. We all need to act with character and adhere to our highest ideals. Then put your big boy pants on and let the chips fall where they may. It isn’t going to be easy. We must persevere and stop treating each other in these nasty ways. And, there has to be protections that cannot be compromised in place for those being harassed and victimized.
When reflecting on the current stories in the media and seeing the comments by people about how someone could remain silent for so long, I don’t wonder. The shame victims feel is real. The shame of those involved in the coverup is real. The effort to support the victims now coming forward is refreshing. Hopefully we will see a real change at a fundamental level. Honestly though I don’t feel real optimistic. I hope I am wrong.
In the evolution of societal norms, I believe we are only at the beginning where people recognize there is a need to change. Fundamental change that can be passed on from generation to generation is only starting. Anything we see at this point is surface change only. Inculcating beliefs at a young age that will carry into adulthood need to be addressed at many areas: family, school, church, organized sports, boy/girl scouts, etc. Is our society ready? And, what about third world societies where this is just the way it is?
When I think about the force of these underlying beliefs it only makes me respect those coming forward even more. To have the courage to buck the current of beliefs that allowed and supported the harassment and subjugation cannot be applauded and supported enough. Let’s not get weary of the neverending parade of victims and stories coming out. It is real and has only started its journey into the light of public discourse.
